Here are eight tunes you might want to keep off the iTunes playlist this weekend. That’s unless your mum is the sort of parent who you smoke weed with and who acts as your wingman at seedy dive bars.
1) King Tee – ‘Baggin’ On Moms’
King Tee and the crew get stuck into commercial quantities of Olde English malt liquor and spend two minutes hurling mama jokes at each other over the instrumental from DJ Divine’s ‘Get Into The Mix’. These days, you would expect they would have spliced together the best jokes into one skit, but I guess recording studios cost so much in 1988 that they only had the budget for one take and as a result 75% of these jokes are terrible and/or make no sense at all. Fortunately, that’s what makes this one of the best skits ever to grace a rap album.
2) Audio Two – ‘Get Your Mother Off The Crack’ (Remix)
Milk D was the master of cruel and unusual insults, but in this case he spends more time talking about his own fat pockets than the specifics of the mother with said crack rock addiction. Well, other than the fact that her own son is her dealer (surely he would give her a family discount?) and how many glass pipes she has within reach. Regardless, Milk’s high-pitched voice and the chorus manage to elicit a chuckle every time I hear this.
3) Willie D – ‘I Wanna Fuck Your Mama’
William Dennis, best known for his work with the Geto Boys, was never one to shy away from ‘Controversy’ (zing!), having previously penned spirited tirades against hoes with short hair, bitches on welfare and…um, Rodney King. Clearly written before MILFs were a thing, D picture everyone’s mother as an elderly lady with false teeth who can’t control her bladder anymore as he threatens to ‘bust a nut on them goddamn Depends’ and ‘make her suck my dick and knock out them dentures.’ Forget buying a box of chocolates for mum this weekend, just grab her a copy of Willie D’s Play Witcha Mama CD if you want to make her feel ‘special.’
4) The Dogs – ‘You Mama’s On Crack Rock’
Children can be so cruel. That’s especially true when they’re circling around and taunting some poor kid who happens to have her primary maternal figure indulging in the frequent inhalation of rock cocaine through a glass pipe. Good thing she fires back with the always cutting “you’ve got lice!” defence. Lead vocalist Disco Rick – proudly sporting the one-strap overall look – keeps us updating of the various locations that said mama has been tricking for drug money in what can only be viewed as a valuable public service announcement.
5) Steady B – ‘Yo Mutha’
The Philly rapper originally known as MC Boob is currently serving a life in jail after a failed bank robbery, but in happier times he was content to describe the awful stench, physical repulsiveness and lack of employment that make ‘yo mutha’ the subject of universal scorn as she tries in vain to sexually conquer our hero. A classic love story for the ages indeed.
6) K-Solo – ‘Your Mom’s In My Business’
A cautionary tale not to ever take your girlfriend’s mother along with you on dates because she’ll keep making you run to get popcorn and ask annoying questions about your parents’ tax bracket. Based on the video, I suspect that all Kevin Madison had to do to get her to back off was to lose the denim shirts and red cardigans. Or maybe she didn’t like the fact that her youngest daughter was hanging out with a rapper who also boxed in case she got too attached to him and he suffered a life-threatening injury in the ring while fighting an evil Russian dude? Perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but I’m outraged that the lyrics to this song aren’t being taught in college literary classes.
7) The Pharcyde – ‘Ya Mama’
As the only song on this list to actually chart, The Pharcyde pioneered new ground for Mom Jokes Rap in 1991, possibly inspiring that CD of mother jokes that Biz Markie was involved in. While this track is vaguely amusing, it’s really the catchy J-Swift! beat and the clownish, squeaky voices of the rappers that make it work. Sadly, there was not to be another Moms Rap single ever released. Perhaps 2015 is ripe for the genre to make it’s triumphant return.
8) Resident Alien – ‘Mother’s Day’
Taken from the unreleased Prince Paul produced album, It Takes A Nation Of Suckers To Hold Us Back, which Def Jam thought was too weird to release in the ’90s, this song features a hilarious white guy voice and some deliberately bizarre mom jokes, making it 1000% funnier than The Pharcyde version.
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